Guest Blog - Staci Elliott

Staci is an old friend of mine from the high school years. She and Jason have been trailblazers amongst mine and John's group of friends with regards to the parenting field (which means they were the first of our friends to have chillun's). She read my last post, and sensed the desperation in my voice, and wrote the following email to me, and with her permission, I'm reprinting it here for you.


"I just read how life is going with Abbie going back to work, it seems that this may be a good time to pass on some of the things I learned from when Jen was in child care and while I was working in child care. I got really long winded in my initial email so this is a hopefully shorter rewrite.

From a child care provider perspective- Adjustment like what you guys are going through is normal. Every family goes through an adjustment. With things not working as you thought they would, Abbie not being able to work from home a couple days a week, it is going to be even harder. The hopefully encouraging part- with the 20 or so children I cared for I did not see an adjustment last more than 2-3 months. By then, both the child(ren) and the parents settled into the routine or decided that someone needed to be home with the child(ren) no matter what it took. The family I saw have the hardest time adjusting had even settled in by that time. They were a family of 4 children that went from having a live in nanny to having the two older children in a preschool and the younger 2 with us. All 4 children spent most of the first few weeks totally heart broken crying most of the time. They missed their nanny, their siblings and their home. After several conversations with the parents, we came up with a plan that got everyone settled in. All 4 children were very happy after we found what worked to make them feel safe and realize they would see their siblings and home at the end of the day.
With new babies, particularly first children, it was not uncommon for us to get calls from Mom with her sobbing saying she needed to come pick up her little one early. She couldn't stand the separation. She'd come, we'd talk for a while to calm her down before she got back behind the wheel of a car, assure her that she was okay and so was her little one, and go from there. Mondays were always the worst for separation issues. Some of the moms that came sobbing settled and stayed working outside the home, some of them became very happy stay at home moms.
A little tip that you might already be doing- on days when Abbie isn't with him, make sure he has a blanket (or something) with her scent that whoever has him can put on their shoulder/chest when they are holding him and cover him with for sleeping. With at least a couple of the babies I was responsible for this made a big difference for them. There is at least something that is "Mom" there. A little comfort can go a long way!
One size does not fit all. Each child and each family has their own needs for child care. If after the 2-3 months all or part of your family is still unhappy, it may be wise to look into what other options are available.

From a mommy's perspective- Know your child and listen to what he is telling you. Shut out what the rest of the world says you should or shouldn't do and listen to your heart. My biggest regret with Jen over the past 12+ years is letting someone else tell me what I should do with Jen and ignoring what I knew to be true. Same goes with Stephen.

The itching and not sleeping - Been there done that so you have my complete sympathy. All I have here is a cliche- This too shall pass.

I'll leave you with this one last thought- Our parents probably did try to warn us about what being a parent is like and we probably did ignore them. Having been a parent for 12+ years I can sum up parenthood with this- It is the toughest most heart wrenching job in the world but every minute of it is worth it. Yes, that includes the bad days. I think it was the Peace Corp that claimed it was the toughest job you will ever love. It is not so, parenting is the toughest job you will ever love.

Hang in there,
Staci"


By the way, Abbie's gotten permission from work to have two Fridays a month at home. There is some justice out there. G.G. is still with us on Fridays, but only those Fridays that Abbie's home, and the other Fridays, Cooper will spend the day with Ms. Cheryl, his daycare provider.

What To Do?

Oh man, we've had an interesting eight days. Cooper's a-scratchin hard on his head. His screams are still blood curling. We've tried just about every cream and lotion for his eczema. None of it works except for Burt Bee's Baby Bee cream. Abbie's got a nice stash of moisturizers though, there's the positive. He's taken to sleeping in his swing now...and only in his swing. He won't lay in his bassinet anymore. He'll sleep in our bed, but once you put him down and he doesn't sense either himself moving or our body heat, he starts fussing. Very frustrating.

Oh, by the way, he's over 14 lbs now.

Poor guy has had to adjust to Mommy being gone for work. The first week was hell for Abbie and for Cooper. Abbie told me tonight it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do...harder than giving birth (and believe me, that wasn't an easy thing to do). Cooper's reactions to staying home with Daddy on Tuesdays and staying with Ms. Cheryl (his day care provider) on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, has not been pleasant for him. Fridays belong to G.G., but Abbie stayed home last Friday because she needed her son, and he needed his mom. Tomorrow, G.G.'s on her own.

At his age, he doesn't realize that, once we're out of eye sight, we still exist. He only knows that Mommy's here and Mommy's not here. He knows when I feed him that I'm not Mommy, and he didn't know how to react to me feeding him. He'd be getting food, but not looking at Mommy. Last week and this week have just been adjustments for him. He's had to come to grips with Mommy not being there 24/7. He's had to adjust to Ms. Cheryl and her style of day care. He's had to adjust to being cared for by Daddy alone. It's been a traumatic time for the boy. Y'know, in Canada, they give mother's a year of maternity leave. Well, blame Canada! And then blame our society for putting work and making a buck before family.

Today was his best day yet. He didn't require his sling to sleep during the day. He fed well with both me and Cheryl. And he's been relatively pleasant all day. This morning, for me at least, was the best morning I've had with him. I know this...come time for him to go to Kindergarten, I'm dropping him off so he doesn't have separation anxiety with his mother (and likewise, her to him).

Oh the joys of parenting. Why didn't our parents warn us? Or maybe they did and we just chose to ignore them.

Guest Blog Today

Today's blog is from a special guest. G.G., also known as Grandma Wanda (on Abbie's side), emailed me the following blog for your reading pleasure.

**Cooper’s world is being rocked this week! Abbie started back to work and the family is going through major transition. I went over to help Jim yesterday and Cooper was definitely giving him a bit to deal with. I have to say Jim handled every situation very well even though Cooper was going through his “Mommy D.T’s”. My funny story about Cooper occurred after Jim had placed him in front of the TV to watch Baby Einstein ---which he loves! After he had finished, he was in a great mood. I decided to give him some attention. I leaned down a few times to kiss him like his Mommy does and he smiled……..but then all of a sudden he really looked at me and his eyes popped wide open with a look of terror, his arms went over his head, face turned red, and he screamed (but no sound would come out). He looked like he was going down the first hill of a roller coaster. I realized that he was screaming, “You’re not my Mommy. What have you done with my Mommy?” He soon calmed down a bit and went to sleep sniffling in my arms as I rocked him in his rocking chair. I thought to myself as he layed there….”Grandson, your world has definitely been rocked and this is the way life is. Just know that you can make it through this and other trying times because you are very loved.” **

To bring everyone up to speed on Wanda's words...Abbie started back to work this week. If you thought giving birth was traumatic, try separating a first-time mother from her only child because she has to go back to work. It's not a pretty site, I tell ya.

Anyways, I have responsibility for getting Cooper off to our daycare provider, Cheryl, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, with me covering Tuesday at home and G.G. covering Fridays. By the way...G.G. stands for Grandma Goat...it's an inside joke between Abbie and her mom, so don't ask any further...just know that Wanda is G.G. and Cooper will grow up knowing her as G.G.

Soooo, Monday comes along. Abbie left for work by 7AM, so I was by myself. Cooper is to feed between 08:30 and 09:30 before I take him to day care. 09:00 rolls around, and I get him ready to eat. Pull out his bottle, fill it up, and sit down with him. To which he begins to scream bloody murder. I think he's just hungry, so I put the nipple in his mouth. Nothing...he sucks for a few sucks, then begins screaming again. This goes on for about 5 minutes. I'm starting to get a bit frazzled. By 20 minutes of his blood curling screaming, I'm completely ready to lose it. After the first 30 minutes, I'm sooooo far gone, that I can't think straight. I call Abbie. I don't remember everything about this morning since it's all a blur, but she tried to explain to me what to do. I remember telling her that I'm at wit's end and that I can't do it and that I don't know what to do and that I need her to help me out! She tries to talk me through some steps, and I'm just not hearing it since I already tried it. The only solution ended up being going back to a method we used to feed him in the first two weeks of his life...finger feeding with a syringe.

After an hour and lots of frustrated weeping and sobbing (both Cooper and I), she finally calls me back and tells me to get him ready to go to Cheryl's. She called her, gave her an update on the situation, and Cheryl agreed to take care of it however she could. After some resistance and constant feelings of complete inadequacy on my part, I finally get him in the car and take him over to Cheryl's. She explains to me that he was probably scared because it wasn't mommy feeding him, which, up to this point, has been the only person feeding him. She explained that Cooper won't allow himself to go hungry. Which he didn't since he ate some more later with Cheryl.

Dad Tip: if your wife is breast feeding, expect some resistance when its time for you to bottle feed your baby. Your baby's primary caregiver has been mom, and now dad is going to feed him? Baby's like consistency and routine, not change...so they respond the only way they know...they wail!

Tuesday, we called in a big gun. Wanda. She stayed with me all day to be that little voice of help in the back of my head. She kept me calm and provided great feedback. Her help yesterday made this morning 100% better. He wailed this morning, but staying calm was what I did, and it helped because I was able to ascertain items that would calm him a bit until settling on the fact that he was hungry earlier than usual.

Dad Tip: Be calm. Your baby's like an animal...it smells your fear. Likewise, your baby can sense your anxiety and will feed off that. The more anxious you are, the worse his crying will be. If you're like me and have a hot temper...well, do like I did, and learn to get over that junk quickly.

Dad Tip: When you pull out a brand new bottle and nipple, ensure that there's been a hole poked into the nipple end. Otherwise, your baby's going to get jack crap and will get very frustrated very quickly. Yes, this is what I did.

Hope you enjoyed hearing about my plight with truly being a dad for the first time. I told Abbie, Cheryl, and Wanda that one hour on Monday was the single hardest thing I've done in my life yet. You know what they all said? "It only gets better from here." Thank God because if it gets worse, I'm going to impale myself with my letter opener.

Y'know, we thought he was getting all those scratches from his fingernails. We caught Bunny in the act and now have a great idea as to what's going on with Cooper. 

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Introducing, the next CONTENDER!!!!

A Sick Baby

Ooooh, let me tell you. Last week, starting Wednesday night, Cooper had something happen to him. He started to scream bloody murder AND developed a fever. Not from colick (he's not a colicky baby). Not from any physical pain that we could see. He just started screaming big time. It was the worst screaming we've had yet. It lasted through Friday with his temperature reaching 100.3 (Golden Oldies...email me if you get the joke). Saturday, we finally called the doctor (temp still high 99's), and on Monday, we took him in.

So the doctor told us on Saturday to give him some tylenol. We did, and it helped his fever, although, it didn't help his wailing. Allow me to tell those without children that when your baby starts running a fever, and he starts crying like Cooper did, it really tests you because you have no idea how to help. And we never want to see our children in pain. Anyways, the fever subsides, the crying doesn't.

So onto theories...Cooper's got really dry skin for some reason. And nothing we've done has kept it hydrated. As we eliminated his cradle cap last week, his head has started to itch more. He constantly is trying to scratch his head, almost to the point that he rubs it raw. That's why you see him with gloves on all the time, otherwise, he looks like he got in a fight with the cats.

We figured that maybe his dry skin is itching so much that it's causing him pain. So we've pretty much tried every remedy out that there that's not got petroleum (not good for them regardless of what you may think) or hydrogenation or a myriad of other things that are harmful to a baby in the long run. Has it helped? No. It hasn't. He still itches. His skin still gets splotchy and red.

As we're getting more and more frustrated b/c we can't figure it out, Abbie notices something. He has the worst crying after he eats and also at night. We haven't figured out the night thing yet, but our hypothesis is that he's allergic to something Abbie's eating. We can't identify it yet. But in order to ID a food allergy, one must detox for two weeks, eliminating that allergen the entire time, then reintroduce it (that's how I found out I was allergic to wheat). So Abbie's working to eliminate anything that could be allergy inducing, such as sugar, wheat, dairy, soy, eggs, tomatoes, peppers...just about everything other than green leafy vegetables. There's no guarantee that he's allergic to anything, but we have to be certain.

The other theory is that he's reacting to toxins that are being expelled from Abbie's body as she and I modify our diets and detox from alot of the junk we ate during the pregnancy. When you eat a healthy diet, coming off a poor diet, your body has to eliminate the waste products it's accumulated and stored. Those products are eliminated as toxins and are secreted in every bodily fluid (sweat, urine, etc). Its very possible that Coop's reacting to her body getting rid of toxins. If that's the case, then within a couple of weeks, he should be good to go. Either way, it's going to take us a couple of weeks to be sure what's going on with him, and that's harder for us since Abbie starts back at work on Monday.

Positive things: He's starting to sleep well through the night. Abbie and I switched up our nightly duties into shifts. The previous way with me handling all diaper changing duties and her handling feedings (naturally) didn't work because she was typically up from 3-6 intermittently as he fussed and awoke, then fell asleep, then fussed and awoke. It was killing her. So we do the shifts. I have the first half until 2AM, and she's got the rest until 6AM or we're both awake. Thankfully, he's only waking up once per night now to feed. We've discovered that when he's having a difficult time sleeping, his swing is his best friend because he'll finish up the night there with 3-4 hours swinging and sleeping.

That's it for today. Maybe Abbie will have something. Most likely, she'll post something to correct my information here since I'm not even 100% sure I got the story right. The whole past week has drawn together.